harmony_gold

I can't sleep. It's very, very late but the couple in the room next to me are doing whatever they're doing against the wall, and even though the walls are thick enough that I can't hear them; they're thumping right against the bed head. Each time I think they've stopped I nestle back against the pillow just in time for them to start up again.

Since I'm not sleeping, I'm updating this journal with some of the thoughts I've been having. Gratton let me stay here for tonight, but only because he had a room spare. If he needs to use it, I have to get it. And then where will I be? Working all night? I could buy room at an inn, but I don't know any good ones since the only inn I've been to is Maggie's.

Speaking of Maggie's; the more I wonder why she got angry, the more confused I get. I know she hates Richard and I understand why, but I don't see what that has to do with him giving me some business. Am I dating him? No. Am I his friend? No. He paid me for sex, and that's a moral crime on my part? If it was someone she cared for, I'd understand if she was jealous. But mad because I was with someone she hated?

I can't be choosy with who I sleep with, as a whore. It's not like there's hundreds of men and I just choose a few whenever I feel like it, and that's me done for the week. Also, it's the red light district. Of course there's... Unsavoury men coming in here. Not many good, nice men are going to look down here for relief, not when they could go find themselves a girlfriend. I'm grateful for the few nice customers I get, but they're not going to be able to finance my living on their own.

It's not just that I don't understand why Maggie was so angry either, it was how she let it out. She threw me out, told me never to come back, not to mention spoke with a tongue that'd have made grown men wince. All because I slept with someone? Pfft. If that's the way she wants to act, she can. I don't want a friend who'll turn on me completly over something so darn stupid.

The thumping's stopped. I don't know how long for, but I'm going to try and sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open. Goodnight.

I've been through a lot in my life. I've been kidnapped, threatened, abused, deceived, I've had my house burn down, and I've had people I loved, people I adored, killed. Even in front of me. But I can still get hurt, particularly when a friend of mine decides that I'm just a smear to their reputation.

I'm not deaf or stupid, I hear rumours just like everybody else. Including the rumour that Eddie dips into the whores. Since I work in the red light district, you'd think I'd know wouldn't you? And it's a lie. He's been to the district once, months ago, and he saw one whore. Me. He was so tired I'm suprised he even managed to get it up, but he did, we did, and that's what happened.

After my services though, we talked. Not a 'I'm-doing-this-because-you're-paying-me' talk but a genuine talk between two people who'd lost loved ones and still carried the pain. I know how it hurts, and I wanted to comfort him. It was good to talk, and I felt better for helping him as well as getting some stress off my shoulders.

But I'm the only one who saw it that way however. I'm not stupid, I know when I'm avoided, and it doesn't take a genius to put two and two togethor. Do you think I started these rumours? Do you think I'd do that to you? Do you honestly just see me as a whore, and a risk to your reputation?

I thought you were my friend, did you ever think of that? I pined for you, but I knew it was one sided and I didn't try to burdan you with that. I wanted to help you, to be there for you, and to support you because I'm your friend. You talked to me, and I thought maybe I could help.

But apparently you don't think I can communicate without opening my legs. I never wanted more business from you, I didn't want your money, or even a relationship from you. I just wanted to be your friend! Is that too much of a concept for you?

Fine. I'll give you what you want. I'll stay away from you. Thanks for reminding me what men are usually like.

I was talking to a friend of mine this evening, and the topic of romance came up. More specifically she mentioned a one sided romance she has for this man of Sedona. I begged her to tell me who he was, but when she did it was all I could do to stop myself from laughing! My friend is sweet as sweet can be, she's very nurturing and kind, yet the main she adores is as cuddley as a saw blade! And about as affectionate too!

Her boss, if you'd let me be vague, dissaproves immensley. I don't think it's just work reasons either. If she chased after him we're all pretty sure he'd break her heart without a second thought (men!)

So tell me, people of Sedona, what are your thoughts on love? Do you think it will always prevail? Do you think it's a once in a life time thing? Do you think it's all around? What do you think of my friends situation? Tell me~

To all the parents who's children I taught; I'm sorry.
To all the parents who's children I did not teach; I'm sorry.
To all those children; I'm sorry.
To Johannes, who did nothing wrong; I'm sorry.
To my friends, who supported me even after I lied; I'm sorry.
To my fellow call girls who were there and still are there for me; I'm sorry.

To the people of Sedona; I'm sorry.

Heeeeey everybody~ *Hic*

I love you all soooo much~ You're like, the best. You know that? You guys rock! Rock, rockin' rock~ you guys are COOL! YEAH! That's right! Cool! Like... Like winter. Ya know? Winter's cool. And you have to snug up and I'll snuggle you baby! Mama'll warm you riiiight up.

Ah, ah... Ya know the sheriff right? No no no he ain't the sheriff, he's the dep... the dep... the deppity dippity... deppity dippity dop! Dat guy! Aww he's so cute. A-and really handsome. He's thin but he's handsome and he looks really nice. Like, really nice. His woo hoo is cool. I mean, some men are like EW and some men are like WOW. He's not an ew or a wow he's like a... a... wo... Like, not quite a wow but nearly there? Hehe, wo.

Aneeeeeeee waaaay. The first time we did it, cuz yeah we did it, he was really boring. Like, he just lay there? And I was up 'n' down and he just sorta lay there and... maybe he groaned a bit... Maybe I was borin'? But he didn't do anythin' just sorta sat there.

Richard was more unf unf but he hurt. Like, he'd grab me and squeeze, and when I said it hurt he'd keep going ya know? Like, I was encouraging? But it wasn't. I had bruises. They were big an' purple an' blotchy. An' he said he'd tell everyone I was a teacher. Maybe he did? Cuz then everyone knew.

Everyone got so mad! I didn't hurt their kids... I didn't. I love kids. Why would I hurt kids? Maybe... It was the lying? No one asked. But I didn't wanna tell cuz I knew people'd hate me. And they'd burn down my house and I'd live in an inn. I nearly left! Nearly nearly. But I love you all <3 So I stayed!

Um, um, um, so yeah! OH! I used to really like Joe. Like, like like? He was really handsome, and, and he took care of Nell so nice. He was sweet 'n' stuffs but then he didn't like me 'cause of the lying and then WE YELLED AT EACHOTHER!

I'm really sorry Joey, Joey Boey. I don't luff you no more but I wanna be friends. You're nice. Well you weren't nice but you were nice before that. And it's not your fault. And... I'm sorry I lied everyone. I'm sorry. Really sorry.

...

I'm gonna sleep now. Ni nis! <3

Current Mood: drunk

I am so sick of going to houses to tutour, only to find idiotic men with no children that think that 'tutour' is code for 'whore'. My only income is working for Maggie... And it's not what I want.

So I'm leaving. There's nothing keeping me here. I have no family, the friends I have I can write to and... that's it. I'm leaving. I've spoken to the stable man and he's agreed to give me a horse. I paid him money and some books for his daughter.

Good deal.

So... Goodbye everyone.

I'm not hiding anymore.

I'm going around town tomorrow seeing if there's any parents with children too early to school, or have withdrawn their children from school. Some parents despise me; but not all of them. I'm hoping to get some work as a private tutor, or a nanny.

I don't know how well this will go. But it is something. I will not go back to whoring, I refuse to. This is my public call with the truth: I AM NO LONGER A WHORE! I am not going back to that life, nothing will make me.

When my house burned down I lost precious things. Not just money and clothes, but precious gifts and precious memories. A photo of a family I held dear to me... The only picture I had of my mother and father... They're gone now.

I am not backing down. I will not leave this town unless I have to. I have friends here, I have students here, I have... I can't leave.

I... Don't know what to do with myself. The fact that I've lost everything has only just seemed to hit me. The fire took my home, my money, my clothes; and precious things I cannot get replaced. When I realized the later I was physically ill... As I cleaned that up I realized just how pale I am now. To be honest I can't recall when or what I last ate or drank. It's just a terrible blur.

Everything seems to be falling apart around me. I can't walk downstairs to the bar without somebody abusing me. They call me names, make crude gesture, shout rude things... Several man have tried to 'do business' as they called it. I don't know who to talk to, who to trust. The idea that somebody burned down my house... Were they trying to kill me? Did they know I wasn't there?

When I came out here I wanted to be independant, to live on my own. As a young woman I was taken from my family and put into slavery where I ended up as a whore at an early age. Taught to think of this as 'the norm' made it easier for me to do this now. I know it's not appropiate for children; but I never involved the children.

I was taken from the business by a man who cared for me, who nursed me, who loved me. He supported me and took care of me. In exchange for his kindness I began to tutor his daughter. It was a very fufilling feeling. I loved his little girl and she loved me just as much. Life seemed... Well, perfect for a while.

She was taken from her home during the night and found two days later, dead. The law said it was bandits. But her father, while telling me he was moving away, said it was something worse... There was a reason a young girl died. He was going to tell me what when he died too.

Right in front of me.

I travelled for a while then returned to Sedona. Having not had a home of my own I thought I'd simply take a more risque job for a while to earn extra cash. When I realized the school couldn't afford to pay me as much as Johannas and that the extra money could not only help me, but also allow the money I earned from school to be put towards the school itself.

And so I lived until recently the revelation spread. I don't know who began it and as the days go by I realize I don't care. The damage is done. I cannot work as a teacher here anymore, I can't live here safely... I live in fear and shame.

I've considered leaving town. It's not something I want to do but something I may have to do. If I can't get a job here, and cannot find a safe place to live, it may be my only choice. My friends, please help me. I don't know what do.

[Private to Eddie: The only time you've spoken to me since Jane caught me was when my house was burnt to the ground. Are you ashamed?]

Current Mood: pessimistic

I am withdrawing as a teacher from the school.

I have heard several claims that people will withdraw their children from the school because of a lack in trust due to my secondary occupation. After coming to the conclusion that no argument would quickly convince anybody that I am still a good teacher: I have chosen to quit.

Please DO NOT withdraw your children from the school! Johannas is still the devoted teacher he was, is, and will always be! He will still teach your children and if you could teach them as well as Johannas you would have never sent them to school in the first place. Do not let your children suffer because of your opinion of me. Their education is of their own.

If you wish to discuss this matter with me I am more than willing to hear your side and to present mine. Though please try to keep civil. I have had enough 'YOU FILTHY WHORE' remarks thank you. I got the message when you BURNT DOWN MY HOME.

Thank you for listening.

What do I do...

The sheriff caught Eddie and I in... Well, in her office. It was wrong, it was stupid, I know I know and I'm hating myself for what we did. I just... Didn't think. At the time I didn't need to. We just talked and then... Ha...

What have I done? Jane looked... Angry. No, that's an under statement. But I don't know what else I can say. She looked a bit jealous too... But doesn't she love Brooke?...

Eddie hasn't spoken to me since then.

I...

I'm sorry.

While shuffling through my house like I'm half dead, stumbling around the kitchen to make a meal and looking at the flowers Gale got me; I find myself thinking about romance. I have to admit it does get lonely, and I do want to marry and have children before age gets to me (Oh god I'm starting to feel old!)

Hmmm... What men are there in this town though? Apart from those already bound up, by religion or relationship, there's still a few I can think of.

Johannas comes to mind first but I can't imagine a romance with him. He is more of a little brother than anything, in any case he has his eyes set on another young lady! I wish them the best, honestly. (Maybe I should lock them in the school togethor over night? Ha!)

There is Preston but when I try to match the words 'Preston' and 'Monogamy' togethor I can only imagine him fleeing in absolute terror. Nothing wrong with that, but hardly the steady man I want.

Eddie is handsome... Though perhaps I shouldn't even think of such things. I know how it feels to loose a loved one and I think it's better for him to move on himself than for a woman to move him on for him.

Bertram... Okay, outlaw, thief and murderer. Not a chance in hell.
Richard... Also not a chance in hell, heaven or any place else. I'd rather die lonely.

A girl I know told me I should meet up with a man called... Mitchel Holden? Anyone heard of him? Hmmm...

Though I have to confess... I'm more than a little smitten by Joseph the blacksmith. He's very handsome, kind, and when I see how he takes care of Nell it's a... a good feeling. I really like him...

Oh god I'm blushing!

Current Mood: flirty

I feel sooo crap! I've taken the day off work. I wish I could have been there for Nell's first day but Johanna will have to handle it himself... I was vomiting this morning and the taste is still in my mouth. I'm hoping some hot tea and a good rest will make me okay for tomorrow. If not I'll go to the doctor.

Until then though, the world's just going to have to do without me. For one day I'm sure it can manage. Eugh, I'm going back to bed now. Right after I've made some tea.

Current Mood: sick

( He's watching me. )

Current Mood: distressed